What is it about happiness and why is it so elusive for so many people? Do life events dictate whether one is happy or not or are there some people that manage to find the silver lining in every situation.  I believe that a person can choose to be happy.  I think that if one has endured a tragedy in life then it is understandable that there will be a period of unhappiness.  But once the mourning period is over (and no one can say how long it is acceptable to mourn) you either can choose to go on with your life and try to be happy….. or not.  Either way your life will go on.  Sometimes I think that people forget that and I think that sometimes I forget that myself.

I have always been the sort of person that struggles with being happy.  That is something that would shock some of the people that know me personally.  My problem is that I think too deeply about things.  I see situations from all sides and I get the sense sometimes that I feel other people’s sadness. I am sometimes envious of the people who go through life clueless. Sometimes I want to not have to think about wars going on in the world, mom’s who have lost their babies, people who are inflicted with tragic illness or who live every day of their lives in pain.  Life is better for me when I don’t think too much.

The past few weeks have been pretty good.  I think that’s because I have been very busy – not that I am ever not busy – with 2 kids and a full time job.  I have been trying to take every Friday off and its been good for me and the kids. I do want to try and do something special for Jordan - just she and I.  I can generally tell when she is feeling left out.  She gets very pushy.  I swear, 3 year olds are the pushiest people!  If I am holding Katie she will practically push Katie out of the way to get to me.  I know its just because she need more time with just me and I really need to give her that.

School starts for us in 3 weeks.  She will be going to the 3 year old class even though she should be in the 2 year old class.  At some point she will have to repeat a year because she started early.  She misses the school cutoff by 9 days. But she loves her friends and I love the Moms so I am glad that we are moving ahead.  My concern was the potty training.  But she goes potty like a pro now.  Its just amazing how quickly they learn.

Jordan’s birthday party is in 3 weeks as well. I have the invites printed and they will be mailed this week. And just to update about hubby’s parents…… When they were here a few weeks ago I invited them to the party. I basically told them that we were having the kid party and that we would love to have them come to that. And I also said that we were going to have a few people over the house afterward for a barbecue. I basically got no response. I know that they don’t really want to come, but they didn’t want to say that to me. Hubby said something about his mom mentioning that they "still havent done anything for Taylor’s birthday (Jeff’s brothers kid)". This is one of those things that I have to not think about.  Its their loss if they don’t come to their grandaughter’s party.

I have continued to do some pretty absentminded things lately – which is another testament to the fact that I truly should stop thinking too much. I tend to not pay attention to the everyday things that I need to pay attention to.

Absentminded thing #1 ---- I took Jordan for her first day of gymnastics class. She loved it! It is such joy watching your kids having such a great time. And she listened to the coach (who happens to be her friend Scout’s daddy) so that worked out well.  Saturday we have our first dance class.  That should be fun too!  I actually took her there last weekend.  I thought that was her first day of class.  Typical me….. Luckily Scout and her parents were up at the gym cleaning up the mats and they let us come in and play for a while.  I would have had a very unhappy little girl on my hands!

Absentminded thing #2 ---- Went to the grocery store the other day.  There was an old lady using a walker in my way so I left my cart at the end of the aisle and went down the aisle to get some fruit.  I came back with my items and then I promptly walked off........ with someone else’s cart.  So there I was walking around with what I thought was my own cart and I looked down and realized that something just didn’t look right.  So I turned back toward my cart and it was still just sitting there.  So I scooted back and left the wrong cart close to where I thought I had gotten it from and took my cart.  No one seemed to notice.  Then when I got home I realized that I had left my fruit in the wrong cart.  So hopefully someone else is enjoying my fruit!  Just a typical day for me!

As a final note, I have to report that I finally started back to the gym last week. I felt like such slug, but at least I went. My ab muscles have been hurting since then. And that’s a good thing too since I didn’t think that I even had any ab muscles left.  I think that all of my Mom friends can probably attest to that – its hard to get those abs back.  So even though I cant see them, I know that they are there! Woo Hoo!

T.

 *******This is for the person who commented a few blogs ago as "a friend".....  Just wondering who you are???*****

Well, there is good news in our household today! Jordan made her first significant steps toward potty training.  Hallelujah!!  This potty training stuff is by far the most frustrating thing I have had to do as a parent thus far.  I mean I Know that she knows how to pee, but how do you try to tell someone how to do it on command.  Over the past few months I have tried almost every method that I have heard of.  We started with the reward system. We offered parties and cake.  Then we went to the M&M thing – we would put them on the dresser and if she sat then she would get two and if she made a deposit she would get 2 more.  We tried toys.  None of that worked.

Then I tried getting the "feel and learn" pull ups.  Well, I am sorry to say that my kid could not care less about the wetness against her booty.  I tried just putting her in regular panties. We would sit on the potty for an hour and then minutes after she got up she would pee.  And she would come to me and say – Oh No! It happened again!! (As though she had no idea how it happened!)

Well, finally yesterday we sat and she went.  Oh boy did we do the potty dance!  She was so excited, but there was no one more excited than me!  I have literally been following behind her for 2 days cleaning up pee pee.  But it was worth it because today we had her in panties all day and not one accident!  She is just so proud of herself!  And I am so proud of her too! Go Jordan!!

Yesterday was a strange day in blogland for me. Blogging isnt something that is typical of something that I would engage in. But like many of my blog friends, it started from reading Kenny’s blog – and if there is anyone who doesn’t know who Kenny is, please go and at least read his very first entry (his link is on the left). It may change the way that you look at your own life forever.

I guess what happened with me is what happens with most bloggers. You read a comment and maybe you think that the comment was really clever or sweet or possibly nuts – either way you click on the comment and get to another blog and either you read or you don’t. Sometimes you find people that you relate to, sometimes you find people whose lives are so different from yours but intriguing just the same and sometimes you make a new friend.

When I started my blog, it wasn’t something that I expected to tell any of my real life friends about.  And really, what are the chances of someone you know finding you.  Well, actually, I guess they are quite good because I have seen it happen to others.  Well, yesterday it happened to me.

I got a comment from a friend from High School. He was someone who I dated for a short period of time – in 10^th grade.  And even though it was a short period of time he was one of those people who has always left an impression on me.

I remember the first time I saw him.  It was in science class and he was sitting in the front row and I was sitting in the back.  This was actually my 2^nd year in high school.  I thought he must have been a new kid because I had never seen him before.  He was the most adorable boy I had ever seen – and I am not just saying this because he may read it.  You can ask my friends.  He had long-ish hair and was wearing a jean jacket with the Rolling Stones tongue on the back.  I was in love – well, you know – 10^th grade love.  Well, soon enough we became friends and then we became boyfriend and girlfriend.  It was this wonderfully sweet high school relationship.  And then we broke up.  I don’t even remember why.  I am sure that it was my fault.  I remember apologizing for whatever I did and I just remember it being over.  I met someone else soon after that and I ended up dating him for a year, but I never forgot Danny C.  To this day he holds a very special place in my heart. He is one of the good guys.

Well, yesterday, I got a comment from Danny.  He signs his name Dan now, but he is still Danny to me.  The last time I saw him was our 10 year reunion.  That was 13 years ago.  He was there with his future wife who is a lovely person.  It was great to see him even then. We never saw or spoke to each other after that, but I always wondered how he was and what he was doing.

So yesterday I found out.  He is married to that lovely woman, has a beautiful daughter and another baby on the way.  He sounded very happy and content with his life.  We talked for almost an hour and it was like we never lost touch.  It makes me so happy when I see people from my past who have managed to make a happy life for themselves.  It truly warms my soul.

I just got back from my vacation in NY. I have been gone for 2 weeks. I was supposed to take a week off and then I was going to work from my Mom’s in NY last week, but who was I kidding? I knew I wasn’t going to get anything done.

I am pretty proud of myself. I was so nervous from the start about my flight. I did it alone with the 2 kids. Thankfully, the flight couldn’t have been better. They let hubby come in to the gate area to wait with me which was truly a godsend. I pictured myself holding my 5 month old while running after my almost 3 year old and trying to keep her from getting run over by the people and the carts. My plan was to bring some chocolate with me (I am not above bribery). It sucks that I have to do that to get her to listen, but the airport by myself was not the time to try to make a point. Luckily I didn’t have to resort to that since hubby took care of her. Once we got on the plane we were home free. I knew that she would fall asleep – and she did. And the baby – well she is just a dream all the time so I knew that I didn’t have to worry about her. Anyway, the flight went well and I got to NY safe and sound.

My first stop was Fire Island. I know that I have written about Fire Island before, but let me say again that this is one of my favorite places to be. Once I get on that ferry its as if all the cares in the world disappear. I was staying for the week with my cousins and their families. My cousin Laura is like a sister to me so its great that we get to do this every year. This year was a little more laid back than most. Usually I am the one making the Bay Breezes and I usually have that late afternoon buzz going on. This year there was none of that – just beaching it with the kids. (See new Pics)

It was great to see my grandmother. She is 92 years old and was playing soccer in the house with Jordan! She is truly amazing!! She does like to complain a lot, but shit, at 92 I think that one has earned the right to complain. I could kick myself in the ass though because I didn’t get any pictures of her with the baby or with Jordan. I am just not a picture taker and I usually miss all the good opportunities. God willing she will be around for Christmas and I will get some then. And yes – we are spending Christmas in NY this year!! It has been 3 years since I have been in NY for the holidays. I expected Hubby to give me a hard time about it, but he didn’t. I am betting that part of that is because we have been having issues with his family – issues that will likely change the whole dynamic of the family because we no longer speak to his brother. It’s a long story that I will tell in a future blog. This fighting among family is so foreign to me. I mean my family is not perfect, but every one of my family members would have my back if I needed it and vice versa. Hubby’s family is just not like that. I don’t know whats going to happen, but I don’t think that we will be doing any holidays with them ever again.

It was also great to spend some time with my brother (thats him in the pictures with the goat).  Yes - I said goat.  My brother and his girlfriend have 6 horses, 4 dogs, 2 cats, 1 rabbit and 1 goat.  The goat lives outside in the barn but on occasion they let the goat in the house.  Me.....I think that I would draw the line at a goat in the house.  But at their house it seems perfectly normal.  I am so happy they found each other.

So in about 8 days my baby girl will be 6 months old. It seems like just yesterday that she was a little tiny baby. She is getting so big! Her first little teeth just broke thru this morning and although I could tell that she has been a little uncomfortable the past few days, she has been such a trooper.

The other big news is that Jordan has not used her binky in over 2 weeks. When we got to the beach I told her that binky’s were not allowed at the beach. She seemed to handle that OK. I truly thought that after 2 weeks she would forget about it. But no…..as soon as we got home she asked for her binky back. I have been trying to divert her attention and its been going well so far. She has been a lot more irritable and much more prone to melt downs lately, but I am figuring that this for her is like an adult trying to quit smoking. I remember when I quit I was pretty much a bitch until the habit went away. I am trying to cut her some slack….. Now we just have to tackle the potty training!

As for me, things are status quo. I am living my life right now as I need to live it. I know that I have to make some changes, but they are not coming easy to me right now. I hate to be a complainer so I am not going to say any more than this. I know what I need to do and I just need to do it.

T.

There have been a lot of different aspects of this addiction of mine. Back in the day, I spent about 4 months as an anorexic. I wasn’t really a very good anorexic. I just like to eat too much. I was about 14 or 15 at the time. I wasn’t fat by any means, but my family was taking a trip to Florida and I wanted to be skinny for the trip. So I started to starve myself. I literally ate nothing all day. When I would get home from school I would grate up a few carrots and pour vinegar over them and that’s what I would eat. That’s it. Just grated up carrots. I remember being so weak that I would have to hold on to the railing to get up the stairs at school. My goal was to weigh 90 pounds. I was a size 0. In fact, the zeros didn’t even fit. I loved it. I loved that when I lay down on my side and put one leg on top of the other that my thighs didn’t touch. I loved that all of my clothes would fall off of me. I loved having skinny arms.

I can remember my Mom telling me that I was getting too skinny but I didn’t care. I wanted to be 90 pounds. I was wasting away – physically and emotionally. My brain couldn’t function because it was so starved. Wednesdays were my favorite days. Wednesdays was coupon day in the paper and I would come home from school and look thru the paper at all of the food that I was going to get when I got down to my goal weight. Somehow it made me feel better to plan the ultimate binge. I told myself that I could have any and every food I could ever want.

When I got down to about 92 pounds, I remember my HS gym teacher saying to our entire gym class, "This girl right here is the prettiest girl in the whole school." It was a very strange thing for an adult male teacher to say to a 15 year old girl. But of course it made me feel really great.

After the trip to Florida, my incentive was gone. I had that binge that I had been planning for so long and I binged and binged and binged. In fact I spent a whole summer never leaving the house and spent all day eating and then lying around because I was too sick to do anything else. By the end of the summer I had gained over 40 pounds. I had to go back to school in September completely humiliated because I had gained so much weight. When I saw that gym teacher he looked at me and said, "Oh my god, what happened to you?" with a horrified look on his face. As long as I live I will never forget the look on his face.

From that point on my anorexic days were over. I then became a full blown compulsive eater. And I still am today. There are occasions that I can manage it better than others but its been a long time since it has been this bad.

I am struggling……really struggling with my weight. I guess this is what I meant when I wrote yesterday about complaining all the time. I know that I have written about my weight struggles before and I hate to look like one of those people who talks about doing stuff, but just never does it. I want to be one of those people that other people look at and say, "Damn, she has it all together." The truth is that I feel like I am walking the line right now. Just a step away from, well, I don’t know what. Maybe I am depressed. I don’t think that anyone around me has any idea because I do a great job of pretending that I am happy when I am really not. I go thru the motions of the day just so that I can get to the next day. I look in the mirror and I don’t know who that person is anymore. I don’t recognize her. It feels like I am part of a bad social experiment that I cant get out of. One where I have been locked into this fat body and forced to go about my day. Can somebody please get me out of here?

I do as little work as possible. I hate myself for that. Its going to catch up to me at some point. I just don’t have any motivation at all to get things done. I have a hundred things to do but I do none of them. As I write this, it is 4:52 PM – I have been staring at my computer all day and I have done nothing of substance.

My husband doesn’t like to talk about such things. Its out of his comfort zone. He doesn’t understand it. Right now we are two people living in this house but not connecting.

I am leaving in a few minutes to get my girls and the thought of not stopping to get a "sugar fix" is overwhelming me. Theres this little voice in my head that tells me to stop at the convenience mart on the way just to get a little something. It’s a constant battle inside my head. I don’t know what need it fills inside of me but its something. This is what addiction does to a person.

A really strange thing happened to me the other day. I have been thinking a lot lately about religion and going to church. I was raised Catholic. I performed all of the sacraments and went to church on occasion when I was younger. I even spent several years in catechism. As I got older, and I began to really listen to what was being said and what the Catholic church actually believed I started drifting away. I consider myself to be a spiritual person and I do believe in God. I am just not sure that organized religion is for me. However, now that I have children, it is something that I am thinking about. I don’t want my children to grow up with no sense of spirituality. My problem is that I don’t know how to give them that.

So back to the strange thing….. I was at a friends house and I was talking to her about the above and I said that my issue with the catholic church is that there are many things that the catholic church stands for that I don’t believe in. I know that there are some that say, " take what you want and leave the rest." But I don’t know if that makes sense to me. Am I a hypocrite if I remain a Catholic yet not fully believe in everything that Catholicism stands for?

I am one of those people that believes that you will get the answers to all of your questions if you are just open and willing to receive the answer. So it didn’t surprise me that on my way home, there was a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that said, "You can’t be catholic and be pro choice." I was stunned when I saw this because it seemed like a sign that was just for me. Is it possible that I was receiving my answer on a bumper sticker?

I am just wondering what everyone’s thoughts are on this. And I am not looking for a moral debate on abortion or any other issue. I just want to know whether I can be a member of a church and not fully embrace everything that church stands for.

I have been wanting to update and write something profound, but to be honest there hasn’t been all that much going on. So I figured I would just start writing and see what comes up.

Things are going great on the baby front. Kate slept all night last night. Well you know – all night for a baby. I know that this will probably not last, but it was good to get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She really is such a joy. Remember when I wondered how I could love this one as much? I can’t believe that I ever wondered that. I am enjoying my maternity leave this time more than I did with Jordan. I think that I was so nervous all the time with Jordan and didn’t let myself just sit back and enjoy. Plus I started working part time after 6 weeks so I was always worried about work stuff. This time I decided to just let it go and take the maternity leave that I so deserve and try not to worry about anything else.

I am trying to remember all the little things that I just blew by the first time. Like the way my lips feel on her head. How she makes a little fist when she sleeps. How her little arms flail out when she gets startled. How she looks like ET when she stretches. Her little smiles that are just starting to look real – and not just gas! How her little toes curl and how she kicks her feet. I want all of these things ingrained in my brain so that I never forget them. I am already looking at the little newborn diapers and wondering how my baby ever fit in them.

Things with hubby are getting a little better. Without going into much detail, we had the "talk" the other day. He has been acting much better lately so I cant complain.

I am gearing myself up to start working out again. I am trying to figure out how its all going to work. Most of the Moms that I talk to that are really in shape all say that they work out at 5 AM. I am really not a morning person – well not that early anyway. But I think that I might break down and do it. I need to take some drastic measures. This week I am going to join Lifetime Fitness. It’s a really foo foo type fitness club in the area. The equipment is state of the art and it even has a spa in there – you know, just in case I need a massage as well. I am devoting the next year to taking care of me (and the kids of course).  But I know that happy mommy = happy babies. I am trying to follow that rule this year.

So Katie and I went out yesterday to buy some bras. Sports bras. My boobs are huge and I have none that fit. Well anyway, as I was wheeling the stroller over to the fitting room I was hoping that the room would be big enough to fit the whole stroller. I didn’t want to have to take the baby carrier off the stroller and risk waking up my little girl. As the clerk opened the door I was relieved that the room was more than big enough. As I rolled my baby in the room, the clerk – who was a woman about my age – said to me, "If you don’t want to take her in with you I could watch her for you." Um……I don’t think so. Why in the world would I go into a fitting room and leave my baby outside in the store with some stranger?? It just seemed like a strange thing to offer.

Oh yeah – the house. The house is almost done. Well its been "almost done" for two months now. We have a few big things that need be finished. Yesterday when I went out there they were starting to re-do our tile back splash in the kitchen because it looked like crap. They were also redoing the granite top for the Kitchen island. They put it on the wrong side so it had to be re-done. The rest is all just little stuff. Our current close date is March 24. It will be great to get in and stop living out of a suitcase.

Well, I am off to visit a few blogs before the last feeding. I hope I get some good sleep tonight…….

I hate negotiating! I’m just not good at it. Maybe I am afraid that the other person isn’t going to like me or that I will insult them with a low offer. I actually avoid buying things that I know I will have to negotiate for. And even if I know that I am being screwed over, its still hard for me to negotiate. So……….why is it that I am constantly negotiating………..with a 2 year old!!!! It is exhausting. She doesn’t care if she insults me or if I’m not going to like her. She usually pulls out all the stops – the crying, pouty faces, yelling. Even though she must know that I’m the one that has the final say, she acts like she’s the one that has the upper hand. I must admit, quite often I feel like she does!

I have learned that I have to get very creative sometimes to get what I want without all the drama. Most of the time it’s a toy or a video that gets taken away when she doesn’t want to i.e. brush her teeth, pick up her toys, get dressed, put her shoes on, get in the car. There’s drama if she doesn’t want to take a bath and then there’s drama when I try to get her out of the tub. If I just pick her up and take her out she will literally throw herself on the floor sobbing. Most of the time I just let her cry. What else is there for me to do? Its exhausting trying to figure out some creative way of getting her to do what we need to do. On occasion (when I am desperate) a chocolate chip cookie will do the trick. But I am not a big fan of a food or even a toy related reward system. Recently she has started to not want to get into the cart at the grocery store – even the car carts. And when I say not wanting to I mean that I have tried to put her in the cart and she has fought kicking and screaming. I fear that CPS might be called by the way she kicks and screams. So one time I tried to let her walk – big, big, big mistake. All I did was chase her around the store. So I live and learn. I see other moms with their kids sitting nicely in the cart, but what I notice is that most of those kids are eating some crap to keep them quiet. I just don’t want to fall in to that trap of having to give her cookies or ice cream every time we go out to get her to behave. So now I don’t take her. I wait until 9 PM when she is in bed and I leave hubby home with the kids. Who would have thought that a night out at the grocery store alone would be something that I look forward to?

I read somewhere that you should try to give your kid choices so that they feel like they have some control over their lives. Well, I have had to learn when this works and when it doesn’t. I don’t care how many times I ask her, "green beans or peas?", the answer is still going to be "NO". And then if I just give her one of them she will most definitely not eat them. But, if I don’t ask her what she wants and then just put them in front of her, I may get her to at least eat some. Again, I live and learn.

I know that I sound like I am complaining, I guess I am just getting a little stir crazy. Jordan has been sick this week. And taking care of a newborn and a sick 2 year old is no picnic. And to top it off, a bunch of my co-workers are working this job in Austin – a job that I would have been working on if I was still traveling. They kept calling here the other day because they were all out partying and drunk. They were trying to be funny. I should have been mad, but instead I was jealous. Dont get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade my life and my girls for anything in the world, but is it a crime to long for the days when I used to be the one out drinking and having a good time having no responsibility except to myself?

Well, back to reality. I guess I am needing that trip to the grocery store.